Hello friends!
So it has been a VERY long time since the last time I blogged and I figured the time has come for me to take it back up again. I found that blogging during my student teaching last year really helped me to process what was going on in my life and I feel like I need that again.
I've been busy, as you might have guessed. I was musical director for The Music Man from January through April. I also got a job working at a renovating company keeping books and answering phones! I mean, it's not my dream job but it lets me do graduate work during the down time. Oh, yeah, I'm a graduate student now! I'm studying education (again) in the hopes of expanding my license as well as furthering my understanding of teaching! Along with graduate school and the above mentioned renovating job, I also work at a Catholic school one day a week teaching music and I recently accepted a position as a PARA working with special needs kids! I'm also trying to get back into performing. Auditions for Sister Act are in December and I'm planning on auditioning. Even if I just get chorus, it'll be lots of fun!
Truth be told, however, I haven't been keeping up with the blog just because I got busy, although that is a major part of it. There have been so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my brain that I was afraid to blog. Trust me, if I had tried at a certain point, it just would have been a jumbled mess of anger, disappointment, and fear. There is enough word vomit on the internet so I really didn't feel the need to contribute to that.
Honestly, this year has been hard. Post-grad life is confusing, messy, and not nearly as nice as I hoped it might be. My first year out in the world has changed me and I haven't been reacting well to the changes. The biggest change in me has been my loss of optimism. Granted, it is still there in spurts, however, it used to be immensely easy for me to believe that everything was going to be okay one way or the other. I know that might sound naive but I truly believed that everything happened for a reason and that everything would work out for the best.
Now a days, that's harder to believe. I think it's because for the first time in my life this past year, I believed that something was going to be okay, and it wasn't. Not just, "I have faith that this minor fight with a person will work out." No. Something happened earlier this year in which I truly believed that this really bad situation was going to work out for the best, but then it didn't. In fact, the worst thing that could have possibly happened, happened. This coupled along with a few other tragic events in my life and in the lives of those around me have left me very shaken. It's hard to be optimistic when it feels like everything in your life is going wrong.
Since all of this happened, I've been feeling a bit lost and I definitely haven't been acting like myself lately. There are days that it feels like I'm watching someone else live my life because I would never throw a fit about that or act jealous or cry as many times as this girl has. Then I come back to myself and I realize that it is me doing those things and I'm stuck here wondering why.
This blog post answers, or attempts to answer, that question. I feel like I must be on the right track because there is a sense of calm that came over me when I realized that my eternal optimism seems to be on hiatus. I hope it comes back. I'm sure it will although I'm just as sure that it won't be the same. That's part of adulting too, I suppose - learning to be positive in the face of negativity. We all have had a moment where we personally experience the worst possible outcome of a situation. We have all experienced the feelings of confusion, depression, anger, and fear that comes with that. I don't think it's a bad thing though. In the end, these kinds of experiences shape us. They make us or break us and I will not be broken. The key is just figuring out how to continue to be optimistic and believe the best in people when the worst has happened to you and your loved ones.
Thankfully things have been getting better lately. My fiancé continues to be a loving and understanding support in my life, despite my random outburst of frustration and depression. My parents continue to listen and support me while I work through my first year of "real life." My friends in Ohio, Minnesota, and Panama have all been wonderful in cheering me up and keeping me happy. The biggest adulting lesson I can take away from this year can be summarized thusly:
Life is going to knock you down, hard. Let those around you help you back up and support you until you can stand again.
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