Chasing Your Dream

Hello friends!

Welcome to the blog post that should be titled, "Maybe This Should Be a Monday Blog." Sorry I'm late again, it was just a very long weekend.  My college had a FANTASTIC Christmas concert this past weekend featuring all of the audition choirs.  The concert takes place twice on campus and then once in the nearest big city at the basilica.  I was setting myself up for sadness this past week because it was my first year that I wasn't going to be in it myself.  Chamber Choir performing without me?  I didn't even know that was legal.

Well, apparently it's not completely legal because I ended filling in for someone who was singing a quartet with some of the other music faculty on campus, including my voice teacher and another wonderful voice teacher on campus.  While I have to say the reason for my having to fill in was not a happy one, I'm glad I had such a wonderful opportunity.  Singing with my voice teacher of the past four years who has a doctorate in music and has performed in several operas is quite literally a dream come true.  I felt honored that I was chosen to fill in at the last minute instead of one of the other music faculty around.  It was one of the highest compliments that I have received to date on the quality of my voice and all of the hard work I've done.  Needless to say, after three performances in two days plus a total of three hours on a bus, Jamie was not ready to be productive on Sunday.

Well, not to make an ego trip out of this blog, the point is that I was able to continue to be involved with a Christmas tradition that has been a part of my life for four years (now five years!).  I was able to do one of my favorite things in the entire world: perform.  I recently realized how much I love performing.  I feel like I should have known this, given the fact that half of my major is vocal performance. Apparently, I'm pretty dense, even when I'm the one talking to myself.  To my credit though, performing has been a part of my life since I was in fifth grade and it's hard to realize what you are missing until it's gone.  Well, suddenly this semester, I haven't been performing much at all.  Let me tell you guys, I miss it.  I miss singing, practicing, refining, and everything that goes along with performing, even the frustrating hours in the practice room.  It's like a part of my life is missing.

I can just hear some of the eye rolls.  "Jamie, there is more to life than showing off your voice to the world."  Trust me, if that was all performing was to me, I would have stopped a long time ago.  Performing gives me this feeling of completeness and joy that I haven't found in anything else.  I love inserting myself into the soul and emotion of someone else through song.  I love putting myself in character to reflect what the speaker of the piece wishes to convey.  I love bringing a song to life and conveying that feeling to others.  I feel that I can truly share myself with others when I sing.

As a result, I've been thinking about doing some performing when I get back home.  I'd like to do my senior recital from college at home (you know, if people want to hear it).  More than that though, I've started to consider going to graduate school for vocal performance or opera.  Then I remember the mounting student debt I have and how performers don't exactly have a steady paycheck while teachers do.  I also then remember the mountains of people that are better than me.  But shouldn't I at least try?

Behold, my next adulting conundrum: do I chase my dream?  Everyone always tells you to go after your dream because you don't want to look back and regret not even trying.  The thing is, it feels like my dream changes.  Although, maybe this is always a dream I've had.  It wasn't something I considered seriously until recently but I suppose the thought has always been there.  Either way, the idea of chasing something like going to graduate school for voice is pretty terrifying.  Graduate school costs so much money and I already have a great deal of debt to the government (next topic for the blog: how ridiculously college is in the states?).  And what will I get out of it?  Will it be worth it?  Or will I be content to perform in my community and go after a graduate degree in education?

I just don't know.  I don't know what the future truly holds for me but I suppose that's okay.  What I do know, is that I plan on teaching for the next couple of years so that I can start to pay back some of those loans.  I do know that I'm going home to my family to spend some much needed time with them.  I do know the road will continue to be hard, especially in the area of teaching.  I'm procrastinating writing up those lesson plans as I type.  Give me some credit though, I've finished three of them.  Only two more to go!

One thing is certain: I will find ways to perform again.  Even if its just for ten people who truly find joy in what I sing, I will perform.  I will continue to share and express in emotion in a way that is unique to me.  I will also continue to sing my heart out to the radio because hey, who doesn't feel like a rockstar when they do that?

Later 'gators,

Jamie